inputs and outputs.

why do we tend to resist what makes us feel good?

This morning I woke up in the Hudson Valley at the beautiful Lundy Farm. Five days of grazing and down dogging on organic farm land is my kind of long weekend, and I’m grateful to be here on assignment photographing a yoga retreat for Salt Yoga.

The stillness of being here has created an environment where I’m really able to observe the little decisions I make throughout a given day. Green tea or coffee? Scroll my phone or read a book? Wake up early to meditate or let my body rest? After a more active couple of weeks with my business this period of observation couldn’t have come at a better time. I’ve noticed that in the absence of stillness my body and mind were nudging me to choose the things that I know aren’t in my highest good.

Upon arrival I wanted the extra caffeine, steps, and stimulus even though I knew my body would benefit from consuming less. I had accumulated inputs of stress and tension that my body was ready to release. On the second day I decided I was going to be more disciplined in listening to my intuition. I was going to make decisions that nourished me; however, by lunchtime that day I had downed an extra cup of caffeine, consumed more almond butter than my body ever wants to process in a single day, and scrolled social media longer than I care to admit... all the while being surrounded by the leaves that were changing to the perfect fall hues right in front of my eyes. Why though? All of the barriers to healthy choices were removed here. I knew in the moment that those little decisions wouldn’t feel good on me but I chose them anyway. No judgement, just observation.

The series of inputs and outputs we choose each day can foster connection to our bodies or further numb it. We can choose to listen to those intuitive pings of what our bodies know to be in our highest good or we can quietly silence them.

I’m grateful that my work as a photographer often drops me into new places where I get to observe not just my surroundings, but myself and all the ways that I choose to be in a given day. The practice for me is doing so without judgement but rather with curiosity.

In my experience, I’ve found this to be true: it’s easier to choose the thing that provides short-term comfort over long-term wellbeing when there is unprocessed emotion stored in the body. There’s plenty of research about the role that the subconscious mind plays when seeking comfort and survival on a day-to-day basis which interferes with trying new things and resisting discomfort altogether, but what about the power of our environment and emotional state? It takes a conscious choice to override that powerful pull of the subconscious to do what is familiar and proven to be safe which can be made much more difficult when emotional patterns are at play. Knowing this doesn’t seem to make it any easier, but it does remind me to have grace with my humanness and my tendency to resist what I know to be in my highest good.

On the third day of the retreat I spent some time with our chef at the farm. She is a walking ball of grounding energy and inspiration. The title of “chef” feels like it really minimizes the holistic nourishment she provides to others in the form of tinctures, teas, and locally foraged meals. Anne Apparu-Hall grew up in Corsica and moved to New York City in the 1980s where she was a chef and steward of her local community by feeding as many people in need as she could with produce that was being grown right in the city. Her path led her to starting Mushrooms NYC with her husband, Ted, which made them the owners of the first mushroom farm in the boroughs of New York back in 2019. By the end of the third day I had arrived at a gentle knowing: Anne was in my orbit for a reason. She was here to teach me something.

One morning I was looking for almond milk and she poked her head out of the kitchen, “…give me a minute, I’ll make some for you.” My city-dwelling body that is so used to the convenience of popping into the corner cafe for a latte to-go when I run out of almond milk was struck by the ease in which she made everything from scratch. Within a few minutes she had a big jar of almond-hemp-cashew milk ready for my morning matcha. Is it really that simple? My mind often convinces me that I don’t have time to make my pantry/fridge staples from scratch. It creates little barriers in my decision-making that feel hard to leap over when I’m in the middle of a busy day back home.

While the retreat group of twenty-four women huddled around the firepit that night, I sat in the big industrial kitchen at the farm with Anne and talked to her about healing our bodies with food and plants as medicine. I shared my journey with PCOS and she shared her journey with healing her gut (which experienced much dis-ease after leaving Corsica and being exposed to the American diet). She emphasized how we’ve overcomplicated food in the states. “It’s simple, really…” she exhaled, “…it just takes some preparation.” She shared some things to keep in heavy rotation to keep my gut happy and thus my hormones balanced: bone broth, a dense variety of herbs, seeds, mushrooms, daily greens (fresh, organic, local, leafy greens as opposed to something like AG1), and, lastly, meat that is happy / hormone-free. She didn’t share anything groundbreaking in her advice for managing an autoimmune condition, but she made it feel doable.

She lifted the veil of overwhelm I often feel as a 30-something running a business in DC and doing my best to nourish myself with the series of inputs and outputs that my body needs each day… all while balancing family, friends, partnership, clients, and whoever is waiting for me in my inbox that day. Recently I’ve wondered why it feels so hard to be rooted in the city. There seems to be a lot of unwanted inputs like nervous system disruptors, pollution, seed oils, etc. without an equal abundance of opportunities to balance them. A topic for another day…

The healing magic Anne shares is in the form of wisdom and an easeful approach. Her knowledge of healing is expressed in her tinctures which are made from foraged mushrooms and local herbs. While talking about PCOS I shared with her how I trend towards androgen excess which manifests as higher levels of DHEA-S and testosterone in my system, two of the key markers I watched in my healing journey with quarterly lab tests. In recent months I’ve identified that these levels rise in direct correlation with my stress. She offered me a blend to take daily: lion’s mane, cordyceps, reishi, goldenrod, and ginkgo.

As I slipped the small bottle into my camera bag I intuitively knew that these new inputs were going to have a snowball effect. The introduction of them into my routine would help me accumulate more positive inputs in my day once I was back in my own kitchen dropping half a dropper full of Anne’s remedy into my morning cup. It’s kind of like when I decide to start my day with warm lemon water. Every other choice I make that day seems to be a little healthier and easier to make. The resistance weakens.

On the second to last day I sat down to enjoy Anne’s breakfast spread next to someone new, a woman that I somehow managed not to share a single word with for four days. I wasn’t done spreading jam on my homemade gluten-free bread before she opened up about an autoimmune condition she had been struggling with for the past year. I seem to be a magnet for these stories (which I love). I put down my knife and leaned in with her. It was a skin condition that her doctor prescribed her steroids to manage. The steroids intensified her gut health issues which led to her working with a nutritionist who recommended that she eliminate dairy from her diet. She shook her head and looked over at me, “I get home every day from my stressful job and all I want is to have cheese and crackers with a glass of wine to soothe myself.” There it was again. The choice to seek the familiar and comforting rather than to change inputs to support the body’s highest good. No judgement, just observation.

My heart softened as she described the cycle she was in. It was like she was holding up a tiny mirror to my own choices. One where I could clearly reflect on the patterns in which I choose what is easy, not what is good for me. Grabbing takeout, mindlessly consuming social media, skipping Pilates to sit at my computer a little longer… it comes down to the little forks in the road that we arrive at each day. The moments where we will support our bodies in healing or support further imbalance.

As Anne would say, “It’s simple, really…” but it takes being present with what is present for you. It takes being honest with yourself about why you’re reaching for the cheese and wine (and also knowing when cheese and wine is exactly what you need).

My intention in writing this is to be curious. To understand my own choices better and provide an honest reflection that maybe holds up a tiny mirror for you too. I noticed that I talked a lot about inputs and not so much about outputs… those moments of release that create space for something new to take root. Writing this post is an example of an output that I resisted but that is in my highest good. It is an offering of the emotion that was stored within me from this weekend, just waiting to be processed and expressed.

While swirling in my curiosity I started to write down a list of things that weaken the resistance I wrestle with at times. Connection, creativity, meditation, movement, and pausing to feel into my emotions rose to the surface. I’m curious, what softens your tendency to resist?

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I’m wishing you a week of choices that feel good on your body and mind.

I’m sending you a gentle reminder to lean into the discomfort rather than letting it lean into you.

If there’s something you are seeking to change, know that you have the strength to do so. The vision you have for yourself is far more powerful than any amount of resistance you may feel in the pursuit. Believe in it. Believe in yourself. Believe in your highest good.